i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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