Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
