Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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