I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
