I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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