They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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