Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
