Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
