'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
