How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
