I didn't shave. On purpose
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
