Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
