I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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