No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
