So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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