dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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