She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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