You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
