He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you had me at cake vodka
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
