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Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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