Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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