its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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