All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
