Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
