these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
