I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
