thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
