yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
