btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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