i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
