Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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