I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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