At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
