i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
