She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
