Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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