She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
