Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
