it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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