wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
