and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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