Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We left the knife in your bed.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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