Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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