Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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