What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
