cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
this hospital has no fireball
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
