and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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