i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
