If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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