He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
