apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
God I need to hump something, right now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
