end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
