DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
