I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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