He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
